1. Is the introductory paragraph interesting? Why or why not? What does the writer give you to make you want to continue reading?
I was a little confused as to what the writer was explaining in their introductory paragraph. The writer did not explain anything as to what he was going to write about in the other paragraphs. I think he could have added more in the first paragraph so the reader could follow along better.
2. Is there a clear thesis statement? Can you find a sentence (or two) that reveals the writer’s purpose?
I don’t think there was a clear thesis, but it was implied in the first paragraph.
3. Type the sentence(s) below that you believe to be the writer’s thesis statement. If the thesis is implied, state it in your own words below.
In the first paragraph, the writer talks about an experience that he had not been through before.
4. Do all of the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis? Point out any paragraph(s) that you have difficulty relating to the thesis statement or illustration.
I think all the paragraphs contribute to the development of the thesis. The first paragraph was a bit choppy, but it still contributed to the thesis.
5. Would the essay improve if the paragraphs were arranged differently? Why/why not? Note any paragraph that seems out of order. Are the paragraphs connected to one another smoothly and logically? Are there transitions between paragraphs that help you understand how the writer’s ideas are connected? Explain.
I think the writer could have switched the first and second paragraphs. I think it would have made more sense for him to write about his background and then the experience that he went through.
6. Do individual paragraphs seem well detailed? What suggestions would you make about adding/subtracting specific examples to help illustrate the writer’s point or concept?
I think the writer could have added more clear details about the situation he was in. I got a little confused at times.
7. Are all of the writer’s paragraphs unified and coherent? Indicate which paragraphs have any sentences that seem irrelevant (“unity” concerns) or out of order (“coherence” concerns).
The last paragraph could have been split into two to make the last a closing paragraph. With it all being ran together it gave the essay a different feel than the rest of the story.
8. Go back and read the first and last paragraph. Has the writer fulfilled the obligations he or she established in the introduction? Does the writer accomplish everything promised in the introduction, or does the essay go off track or seem to switch focus? Why or why not? How can the conclusion be improved?
The writer wrote about a time that he had never experienced before and he was able to fulfill the obligations by writing about the experience in the rest of the paragraphs. The conclusion could be improved by making a separate paragraph to wrap up the essay.
9. Now look at sentences. Does the writer have sentences that strike you as effective because they include strong verbs, specific details, memorable phrases, or striking images? Does the writer have any words they repeat too often, use incorrectly, or misspells? Finally, does the writer have any tendencies for error they should be made aware of? (Think comma splices, run-on sentences, or switches in verb tense, etc.)
There were some misspellings in the essay and I got confused on some of the details. The writer could have improved the essay by adding in more commas.
10. Write a summary comment that explains what you like best about the paper. Then, describe the two features of the paper that most need improvement. What suggestion(s) for overcoming these problems do you have?
I liked the story and it was an interesting story to read. I also liked the details, but he could have added more and made sure his words were spelled correctly. Another improvement I would suggest is to make a closing paragraph. I would read the essay from bottom to top to catch the grammatical errors.
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